🔗 Share this article

Basic Toilet Humor

Toilet humor has always been the comfort zone in everyday journalism, and publications remain attentive to significant toilet tales and milestones, especially in relation to football. Readers were entertained to learn that Big Website columnist Adrian Chiles possesses a urinal decorated with West Brom motifs at his home. Consider the situation about the Tykes follower who understood the bathroom a little too literally, and was rescued from a deserted Oakwell after falling asleep on the loo at half-time during a 2015 defeat by Fleetwood. “He was barefoot and had lost his mobile phone and his hat,” elaborated a representative from Barnsley fire services. And everyone remembers at the pinnacle of his career at Manchester City, Mario Balotelli visited a nearby college to access the restrooms during 2012. “He left his Bentley parked outside, then entered and inquired where the toilets were, then he went to the teachers’ staff room,” a pupil informed a Manchester newspaper. “After that he was just walking round the campus as if he owned it.”

The Lavatory Departure

Tuesday represents 25 years from when Kevin Keegan quit as England manager following a short conversation in a toilet cubicle alongside FA executive David Davies deep within Wembley Stadium, subsequent to the memorable 1-0 setback versus Germany during 2000 – England’s final match at the legendary venue. As Davies remembers in his diary, his private Football Association notes, he entered the drenched troubled England locker room right after the game, discovering David Beckham crying and Tony Adams energized, both players begging for the director to convince Keegan. Following Dietmar Hamann’s free-kick, Keegan moved wearily along the passageway with a distant gaze, and Davies located him seated – similar to his Anfield posture in 1996 – within the changing area's edge, saying quietly: “I'm done. I can't handle this.” Grabbing Keegan, Davies tried desperately to salvage the situation.

“Where on earth could we find for confidential discussion?” stated Davies. “The tunnel? Crawling with television reporters. The changing area? Crowded with emotional footballers. The bath area? I couldn’t hold a vital conversation with an England manager as players dived into the water. Only one option presented itself. The restroom stalls. A significant event in English football's extensive history happened in the old toilets of a venue scheduled for destruction. The coming demolition was almost tangible. Leading Kevin into a compartment, I shut the door behind us. We stood there, facing each other. ‘My decision is final,’ Kevin declared. ‘I'm leaving. I'm not capable. I’m going out to the press to tell them I’m not up to it. I can’t motivate the players. I can't extract the additional effort from these athletes that's required.’”

The Results

And so, Keegan resigned, subsequently confessing he considered his stint as England manager “soulless”. The two-time Ballon d’Or winner added: “I struggled to occupy my time. I began working with the visually impaired team, the hearing-impaired team, supporting the female team. It's an extremely challenging position.” The English game has progressed significantly in the quarter of a century since. Whether for good or bad, those Wembley restrooms and those twin towers have long disappeared, while a German now sits in the dugout where Keegan once perched. Thomas Tuchel’s side are among the favourites for next year’s Geopolitics World Cup: National team followers, value this time. This particular anniversary from one of the Three Lions’ darkest days acts as a memory that circumstances weren't consistently this positive.

Real-Time Coverage

Join Luke McLaughlin at 8pm BST for women's football cup news from Arsenal 2-1 OL Lyonnes.

Today's Statement

“We remained in an extended queue, clad merely in our briefs. We were the continent's finest referees, premier athletes, inspirations, mature people, mothers and fathers, resilient characters with high morals … yet nobody spoke. We scarcely made eye contact, our gazes flickered a bit nervously while we were called forward two by two. There Collina examined us thoroughly with a freezing stare. Quiet and watchful” – ex-international official Jonas Eriksson discloses the embarrassing processes referees were previously subjected to by ex-Uefa refereeing chief Pierluigi Collina.

Daily Football Correspondence

“How important is a name? A Dr Seuss verse exists named ‘Too Many Daves’. Did Blackpool encounter Steve Overload? Steve Bruce, along with aides Steve Agnew and Steve Clemence have been removed from their positions. Does this conclude the club's Steve fixation? Not completely! Steve Banks and Steve Dobbie continue to manage the main squad. Total Steve progression!” – John Myles

“Since you've opened the budget and distributed some merchandise, I have decided to put finger to keypad and offer a concise remark. Ange Postecoglou states that he picked fights in the school playground with kids he knew would beat him up. This masochistic tendency must account for his option to move to Nottingham Forest. As a lifelong Spurs supporter I will always be grateful for the second-season trophy yet the only follow-up season honor I predict him achieving along the Trent, should he survive that period, is the second division and that would be quite a challenge {under the present owner” – Stewart McGuinness.|